I had an idea for a post on the way to work called “Time to Think like an Entrepreneur” that would be targeted toward LinkedIn and other would-be clients lurking on Facebook. I thought of this other article on the way back home. So tonight you’re getting two articles. You lucky bastards!
This article is sort of a continuation from “Daemonic Aspirations” in which I talk about a hypothetical Church of Daemonism that would believe if you’re going to go to hell anyway, better to be a demon than a tortured soul. One thing I forgot to mention in the previous article, is that Bumble originally suggested that I, as the hypothetical reverse priest character (a tseirp, ts, like tsunami, -eeurp) could curse everyone to Damnation first to encourage people to sign up for a fast track to demonhood!
It occurred to me that, if I were to use this in a story, it’d be fun to have the main character suffer from an ironic twist of fate. What if he truly was condemned to go to heaven? Hand picked by God Almighty to draw out the wolves from his flock. That no matter how hard he tried to piss God off, he was actually still doing God’s work. Hell, after all, was Lucifer’s prison after he rebelled. It makes sense that God would encourage the worst humanity has to offer to go to Hell. People who have already decided they’re going to Hell aren’t going to listen to one of God’s own servants though. They’d need someone they saw as a true spiritual leader. Someone who they empathise and connect with.
Let’s face it. There are some really fucking stupid reasons to go to Hell. It was once considered sinful to be left handed. Some still consider it sinful to find people of your own chromosomal gender sexually, or even just physically, attractive. Yes, there’s a difference. For example, so far I have only found woman to be sexually attractive. I’m a big fan of breasts in particular. Since birth in fact. I also tend to find the female form physically attractive, meaning I find it enjoyable to look at, as if it were a work of art. There are some rare men though, who admittedly all have an androgynous quality, that I also find somewhat appealing to look at.
If god truly did create everything, and we are supposed to appreciate and revere his creation, why would it be a sin to appreciate beauty? Pretty people exist in both genders! Fricking shrimp were once convinced sinful to consume. That’s been explained away as a way to discourage people from eating food that could kill them if not prepared correctly, since ancient shellfish were presumably riddled with parasites and diseases. I call bullshit. Shrimp, or King Prawn as people from the old country call them, are sinfully delicious. I think, if God did truly existed in the way he’s meant to, it’s entirely within his biblical character to condemn someone to eternal pain and torture, just for eating one of the tastiest animals He ever fucking created! Just to make sure we were following the rules, no matter how meaningless and unjust those rules are.
Adam and Eve were branded sinners for falling for an obvious trap. Followers of God happily burned people at the stake, satisfied in the knowledge that they are doing His work. While those unfortunate, sometimes innocent, men women and children were publicly tortured to death. I have no doubt that they did also burn people practising the old ways. People who believed in personal power and self confidence. Proud pagans. Of course I may be biased in my opinion, but I’m entitled to it regardless. Again, to clarify, we’re discussing a story character and idea. I’m not trying to even remotely trying to convince you that God is an asshole. Nor do I intend to slightly imply that God is watching us navigate a clusterfuck of obstacles, temptations and downright traps for his own amusement, or even suggest he’s taking any notice at all.
Hey Father! Yahweh! Asshole Bastard Twat-faced Wanker! Go Fuck Yourself!
Shouldn’t he be making an example of me by now? Striking me with lightning or turning me to salt? Either he’s not paying attention anymore, or he’s grown more subtle. Punishing me with crippling debt and demeaning offers of help. Perhaps he handed the reigns over to his Son, and now Jesus is minding the store. That might explain why we now have a gentler kinder God. A live and let live god. A god that would rather sit back and watch us suffer rather than intervene. Maybe that’s what the Church would really be for. To protect the meek. Make those that won’t play His game choose to band together, give the bad men a place to express themselves, buy themselves a surefire one-way ticket to Hell, and perhaps even sacrifice themselves/ kill each other. Another elaborate trap. Sneaky Bastard. It would probably drive those who fear the Church of Daemonism further into his suffocating embrace. Working for God anyway. Despite all my rage.