The Road to Recovery

I’m a recovering stoner. I would wake and bake, go to work high, go home high and go to sleep high. I smoked up the last of my weed on my last day in the US. That was the 20th of July. Today is the 6th of August. I really miss it. I don’t quite feel right without it, but I don’t like feeling this way. My family are being great, I feel happier, more whole, like my broken heart is healing just being with them. Their support has been invaluable.

I got into the habit while I was still with my ex. She smoked to help with the neurological pain and depression. I smoked it too because it made me feel more confident, and slow my brain down. She didn’t like me smoking though. When we broke up, I started smoking weed more frequently to help me cope. With the loneliness. With the heartache. With the overwhelming sense of failure.

It’s quite possible that part of the reason I’m feeling particularly needful of it today is because she contacted me last night. She needed my new address. We’ve been broken up for two years, and I’m not even in the same country anymore. It still stirs up old shit though every time she sends me an e-mail. Last night’s facebook message felt worse, presumably because it’s a real-time conversation, and therefore lacks the psychological buffer of e-mail. There’s no real difference of course.

Perhaps the timing of her message and the rising frequency of the disturbing dreams, the tightness in my chest, and the desire to get high is just coincidence. All I really know is that I don’t want to feel like this.

This wasn’t supposed to be a selfie. I couldn’t get the camera to flip.

I also feel a little pathetic. As far as drugs go, weed is pretty wimpy. It’s not chemically addictive. I’m grateful I’ve never gotten hooked on anything harder to quit, like cocaine or cigarettes! I know herion is particularly bad, it never sounded fun, especially when you factor in my needle phobia. Weed is a plant, natural, harmless and fun. It makes you giggle! It helps you take life less seriously.

Why am I feeling so anxious without it? Part of me thinks maybe this is just me. I used to have disturbing and dramatic dreams when I was younger. I would often feel shy or anxious at social gatherings and whenever I was asked to do something I wasn’t good at. Maybe this is just who I am, and I just have to get used to it. Overcome my anxiety the hard way, by working through the hesitation and getting it done. Like an adult.

There are sheep in that field. I was trying to frame them in the foliage.

I don’t hesitate when I’m high. Doing new stuff I’ve never tried before is fun. I’m not worried about embarrassing myself or doing it wrong. Getting good at something takes practice. I know this, without having to give myself a pep talk. I can talk to a complete stranger without an ounce of shyness, and start a conversation with them.

I want to be able to do that without having to be dependent on a drug. I don’t want pills either. They’re worse. Even as I’m writing this, I know that I’d feel a lot better if I could just smoke a bowl. I also know though, or at least hope, that if I can just ignore the craving I’ll come out the other side. I’ll have recovered.

You have to find gaps in the hedgerow to glimpse the surrounding countryside.

The walk helped a little. I wanted to record video to go along with the article and I didn’t want to talk about it within earshot of my little nieces. I love those little girls, and they’re way too young to hear this self-indulgent crap. I’m aware of how self-centred I’m being right now. I don’t want to be.

So I went for a walk. I happened to notice there was a Pokestop on the edge of the village, so I used that as my excuse to get out. It’s a beautiful day, and I figured I could find a nice quiet spot to sit and record my thoughts. I ran out of Pokeballs again and missed out on catching a Voltorb. I found the Pokestop though, and sure enough discovered it was a quiet little spot to sit by a stream, a creek, and record.

The second pokestop. Capel Y Annibynwyr. Where my service went out.

I was able to activate the pokestop a second time before I headed for another one I saw not far from where I was. The second one was at a chapel, and I lost data connection right as I got to it. I ended up wandering down a private road to Wig farm, got my signal back, and found a shortcut through an open field on the way back that kept me in signal range. I hit that pokestop, and even got to hit the one by the creek again on the way back home.

It occurred to me as I was almost home to check on the eggs I had collected in Pokemon GO! and see if any of them were close to hatching. It was only then that I learned that you have to actually select one and put them in the incubator for your walking to count toward hatching them. Dammit. I’ll just have to walk again tomorrow, and hope I don’t burn through my data too quick. I still haven’t made any income from my writing yet. Selling my stuff for airfare doesn’t count!

Wasn’t sure if it was a public footpath, ended up at Wig Farm.

That might be a good thing right now. If I can’t afford to buy more data, I can’t buy weed either. I wanted to quit even when I was living in the US. My dependence on it bothered me. My moving here, where I have no contacts that can hook me up, I might actually have a chance to be done with it. I can really get better without being tempted.  The tough part will be continuing to stay away from it when I move to Dalton. I have people there. Well not there exactly, but in Barrow. So friends from up north, if you’re reading this. Don’t let me fall off the wagon. Please.

Are you going through something similar? Have you already gotten through it? I want to hear from you. Follow my blog if you haven’t already, and my YouTube channel.

Have a great day. Here’s a pic dump:

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6 thoughts on “The Road to Recovery

  1. Pingback: Watch out for Dragons! – Antony M Copeland

  2. uncaged

    You can take solace in the fact that you have what appears to be at least two outlets, if not three. You can find ways to cope with your dependency, and with any stressful situation for that matter, by finding things you enjoy that you are good at. You smoke to make yourself happy and to help you beat social anxiety. You enjoy writing, but you stress about getting that big break. What would happen if you focused on writing for the enjoyment alone rather than as a means to a lucrative end?

    I enjoy writing, and it does help me cope. But I discovered after a long time of despair that the writing, though it helped me at first, became a pity party and dragged me farther down the pit. It secured me tightly into my rut. So I took a break and came back with a new focus. I also did a few exciting things to take my mind off of my problems, and not only did those things do the trick but I also discovered something new about myself. I’m 45 years old, and despite my lifelong hatred of participating in physical activity, things like sports, I discovered that I am drawn to doing certain physical activities that I never consider before, like skydiving and hiking. I ran a 5k last February, which is odd because I hate to run, but I had a blast. I’m running another one in October and maybe, maybe, I’ll participate in an obstacle course race with a friend around that same time. I have a lot of preparation to do, getting stronger, etc., but I’m motivated to get it done. I’m motivated because I found things I love doing. And I didn’t discover these things until mid-life. I’m happy again, and I don’t dread all the crap that has kept me from being emotionally well. I have a new focus, and life is worth getting out of bed for again. I’ve got my confidence back.

    Money is important for survival, but it’s not worth killing the quality of your life over the pursuit of it. Allow yourself to fully enjoy the things you love to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tony_the_Brit

      Thank you. You’re right, I need to focus on joy. I’ve considered learning archery, it seems like fun. I just need to figure who offers archery classes and when. I’m fairly certain I can talk my Dad into joining me.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Honestly Sorry – Antony M Copeland

  4. Pingback: Why am I even trying? – Antony M Copeland

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