I’m currently faced with a slight dilemma. I already know what the answer has to be, but nevertheless the decision is a tough one. For those who have read some of my older posts on the same theme, you may be sick of me bringing this up again. To be honest I wish I didn’t feel this way too. I’d much rather be just be able to concentrate on writing without having to torture myself with the idea of having a girlfriend.
I thought maybe I could get it out of my system. Chat to a few pretty girls, make a connection, perhaps even arrange a date. Then I could focus again. I’m beginning to think that will not be the case. I’ve updated my OkCupid account, started a MeetMe account, and I’m debating with myself over starting a Plenty Of Fish account also.
The first couple of days were soul crushing as I attempted to make contact with several girls, and got nothing back. Yesterday I got someone interested in chatting with me, but she’s literally miles away. Since neither of us have a car or a paying job right now, I’m not going to meet her anytime soon.
This recent surge of desire for female contact was inspired, in part by a couple of my former (who am I kidding?) crushes from the states getting back in touch with me. They are both wonderful women. Kind and beautiful, and hundreds of fucking miles away! When you find yourself craving the touch, the scent, the up close sight of a woman’s skin, a facebook message isn’t going to cut it!
To make matters worse, the house in Kidwelly still doesn’t have WiFi! We’re getting by with an unlimited mobile data plan from Three, and my phone’s hotspot turned on. However, it has an automatic parental lock. You can turn it off if you have a UK credit card, which I don’t, or you call them. I could just call them I suppose, but that requires me actually saying “Hey, could you let access adult websites please?” to a person, with my voice.
To be fair, online nudity isn’t helping much either. It’s treating some of the symptoms, but not curing the affliction. Quick side note. Yes it’s very weird that I can talk about looking at naked women online when I’m writing without it bothering me at all, but confessing the same thing via phone feels awkward and uncomfortable. Though, I don’t actually like talking on the phone at all if I can help it.
Another tangent. Why do phone calls sound like you’re on a phone? Microphones and speakers are capable of reproducing the human voice perfectly. Modern computers can store that information and transit the data with absolutely no loss of quality. So why do phone calls sound tinny and muffled instead? I honestly don’t get it.
Anyway. The reason why I’m writing about my struggles with my baser human instincts is because it’s all I can bloody well think about! I’d love to write a bit more of Hermes925, or write about the animated re-release of the lost Doctor Who episode “The Power of the Daleks”, but I can’t seem to focus on anything but the chase.
I have to get over it. I’m not going to find what I’m looking for, not without putting a lot more effort into it. What if I’m successful? If I find a girl that likes the same things I do, provides me with the outlet I’m seeking, actually makes me feel happy to be with and fills my thoughts with her smile and her perfume. When would I find the time to write?
I would certainly need to get a day job to help me pay for the dates and gifts and other romantic paraphernalia, and, if things go well, to help pay rent. Then I’d also have to do my fair share of the housework, spending time with her just cuddling and watching TV, making time for dating and intimacy, and sleep. The amount of time I’d have available for writing would diminish to almost nothing.
I have to stop this madness! Trying to be with someone would be pointless anyway. I can’t produce children, so my only legacy to this world after I’m gone will be my words. I know some people are content to leave nothing behind, leave no mark. But I need to do something that clearly states “I was here! My life counted for something!” If I don’t, then what would be the point of being here at all?
So this is me, once more, trying to stick to the plan. Write everyday, don’t bother with the drama and heartache that inevitably accompanies relationships. Just get over it. Perhaps when I have at least one book published and a somewhat steady income, then I can split my attention. By then I’ll have more to offer anyway.
Hermes925 needs to get written!
Please add your comments, to tell me I’m being daft or support my decision. Either way feedback is welcome.
One more thing, if you’re even considering dating me, you should probably read this first!
Have a great day! 🙂