I haven’t felt like writing lately. Especially not on this page, my official Author page. The more I talk to people the less qualified I feel to write a realistic character.
I really need to make myself write, but lately I’m spending a lot of time when I’m not working either hanging out with friends or watching shows and movies on my laptop.
I’m not even writing in Games and Geekery . Even though I was very excited about working with my friends on the project. I still share lots of other people’s articles to the Games and Geekery Facebook page, but I’m not writing any original content.
I’d feel more confident about being a writer if I got more feedback from my followers, but many feel like joining WordPress to be able to comment is too much of a hassle.
I’m beginning to think that part of the attraction of writing when I was in America was so that I could communicate my thoughts and feelings with my friends and family in the UK. I worry that now that I’m in the UK, that source of motivation is gone. After all, I can now talk to my friends and family.
It could be argued that I could still use it as a way to communicate with my friends in America. I think at best my friends in America feel hurt and betrayed that I chose to go back to the UK. At worst they were only friends with me as a joke, as light entertainment, and now that I’m gone they all laughing at me.
Someone I considered my best friend was criticising me so much I decided to block him. To be fair I did ask people to critique my work, but he chose to cut into me instead. Again though, maybe he was hurt by me leaving and his feelings exaggerated his words. Perhaps I was also being oversensitive. It’s not the first time someone I thought was awesome turned out to be a jerk, and I may have assumed history was repeating when I should have been more sensitive to how my leaving had effected him.
There are a few others that still make the odd comment on Facebook and share stuff with me. It would be unfair and inaccurate to say I don’t hear from any of them, but the ones I was closest too have been the least communicative. In hindsight this is probably because they were most upset by me leaving. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.
I had hoped that they would have understood that coming home to the UK was necessary. Not only because my finances were so upside down that I would have ended up homeless within months, but also because I still felt like I had a ragged bleeding mess where my heart should be. This pain healed once I returned home. I feel whole again.
They’re entitled to their own feelings of course. It would be selfish and unreasonable to expect them to see things from my perspective, unless I’m willing to acknowledge theirs also. I did leave a mess in my wake. A mess I thought I had arranged to resolve itself, but it went wrong and I wasn’t there to fix it. I don’t believe I could have anyway.
I’m considering using the fact that only WordPress members can comment on articles by creating another blog, and making all my friends (UK and US) contributors so we can have our own private space online to talk amongst ourselves and share what’s going on in our lives. Like an online clubhouse.
Even I think this is a ridiculous idea, but it illustrates my current mindset rather well.
New idea. Feeling much better after a talk with a friend. What I want to do is still what I always wanted to do, which is write. I want to get paid for my writing and write. I need to make some money so I don’t have to keep working in a pub.
I disliked my brief insight into trying to climb the corporate ladder. Most of those climbing are mostly bullshitting their way through it. They get away with it because most of those they bullshitting too are also bullshitting their way through it.
But those poor sods buy books! On leadership, management, stress, motivation, marketing, self-promotion, personal development, organisation, and social networking.
I could write the shit out of that stuff! Pull a Brian Griffin. I had considered something like this a while back. A motivational book based on role-playing games called Leveling Up, but I think I need to change my target audience.
Aim for the corporate guppies struggling to survive the shark pool in oversized shark pools and not realising that the sharks their swimming with are just other guppies in costume.
Should be a lot easier than trying to write a story that resonates with people at a personal level .