I’m feeling pretty good. Despite a couple of downers. It occurs to me as I’m writing that these mood cycles, whatever they are, allow me to see situations I’m in from both a positive and negative perspective, allowing me some insight that not everyone can perceive. Perhaps my mood swings aren’t random at all, but are in fact a deliberate cognitive function that allows me to get a view of a problem from all sides?
Take my job for example. For the most part it’s pretty enjoyable, but there are several things that bother me about it. By sinking low and allowing some of these irritants to actually effect me, it was made clear to me that the situation really isn’t ideal. Despite the fact it’s only a 10 minute walk from home, and I generally like the people.
The hope was to find a job that didn’t take up all my time, or would be relaxed and understanding about my desire to take notes and write while I work. I have achieved neither of these things. I was hoping for 20-30 hours, and often end up with 35-40. Not such a big deal, at least I’m making more money.
The big irritant is that the owner wants us keeping busy. I have no problem with actually keeping busy and self-management. However I like to be trusted to get everything done without him watching us on CCV and giving us a stern talking to for taking 5-15 minutes talking to a customer. I know that I would never be able to get away with pulling out my phone and saving notes for an idea I just had. For one there’s a strict “no phones” rule.
He wants us to work our asses off doing what he thinks we should be working on, and doesn’t respect our ability to make observations and take initiative. Or respect our need to snatch a few minutes downtime when ever we can during our shift so that we don’t burn ourselves out. He acknowledges that he doesn’t pay us much. Minimum wage. However, he points out (quite correctly) that we have chosen to work for him at that rate, and if we don’t want to work hard, then we won’t be working for him.
It’s a brilliant trap. Paying staff just enough that they have to keep working, and acquiescing to his demands, in order to pay bills. However, I don’t need a job desperately like most do. I’m lucky enough to be living with my grandparents rent free. My money is going into my current account. I’m using some of it to buy food, games and other treats, but most of it is just sitting there.
My plan is to built up a grand first, as a buffer, and then start making some of my money work for me. At first I was considering showing my boss a little faith and asking if I could invest half of my wages back into the company. I figured that, whatever the return, it would be better than a current account. Alas he turned me down since the company is a partnership. Just him and his son (who’s pretty cool).
He did suggest I look into Ernie bonds though, and buy them in blocks of 500-1000. The money is still yours, still usable, but there’s a chance you can win anything from twenty pounds to a million. The more of these £1 bonds you have, the greater chance you’ll win. It’s pretty awesome, so after I get the grand buffer, I’m going to try saving up another grand to buy Ernie bonds.
I’m pretty sure I can do better than minimum wage, or have fewer hours, or be able to write a little during downtime elsewhere. I may have to sacrifice the convenient commute, but I’m getting sick of being treated like nothing I try to do will ever be enough. I got enough of that when I was married! I’ve already proven to myself in the former situation that I can do better.
Maybe I’ll have to put up with it through xmas, but yeah. I need a different job. The low showed me how bad it was, the higher mood I’m in now has given me the confidence and self-respect to know I deserve better. These funny moods might actually be useful!
In other news, my Dad and my Sister drove all the way to Dalton-in-Furness, from Kidwelly, and I got hang out with them after work yesterday. Five hours of comfortable company, a great meal and better conversation. Dad told me he’s the happiest he’s ever been in his life. He loves it in Kidwelly, and he’s getting a promotion! I’m proud of him. My sister seems really happy too. It was disappointing that they had to leave so early the next day, but not crushingly so. Seeing them and knowing they’re doing well was really nice.
It’s possible that my current improvement in mood has something to do with a girl. If it’s not just coinciding with my brain’s mood cycle. 🙂
Choose your own adventure