On Random

This morning I should be having a crack at the unwritten portion of one of my client’s projects. That’s right, I’m switching from editing to ghostwriting. I’m generally very excited about this opportunity, but now that it comes to it I’m finding the idea of beginning this task fairly daunting.

I thought by the time I’d finished reading and editing the first nine chapters I’d be so deeply immersed in the writing style and story that I could just keep writing it, without it feeling any different from what came before it. No such luck.

I should jump in. Read through the client’s notes, think about how that fits with what came before it and start writing. Don’t worry about the style yet, or even continuity, and just get going. Edit later. Just writing this out helps it seem a little more manageable but for the longest time this morning I was just staring at the notes, unable to actually read them.

I’d go distract myself and come back to it, and still find myself unable to process the words I was looking at. I’m going to have another go after I’ve finished writing this out. Basically, I’m indulging my desire to procrastinate on writing, by writing about procrastinating! 🙂

This is a trick I’ve used before to get myself writing. Indulge the writer’s block or hesitation by writing about it. You’d think I’d run out of things to write when my inspiration is being unable to write, but I surprise myself every time.

Tangental thought, I was watching random YouTube videos while writing and a video about Fallout4 mods played. It mentioned a mod (the infamous Caliente mod) that gives the female character large breasts. It mentioned that the modder Caliente is female, and then when on to jokingly refer to her as a misogynist.

It occurs to me that this might become correct usage in the future if gender concepts continue to blur. Why should misogyny only refer to men? Surely anyone that sexually objectifies another gender could be classed as a misogynist in a gender-free society.

I also think we should all admit that it’s okay to find people attractive. We’re supposed to find people attractive. We’re supposed to want to have sex with each other. If we didn’t enjoy looking at each other’s naked bodies, then sex would just be a boring chore.

I realize as I wrote that last sentence that I have actual experience of considering sex to be a boring chore. Believe me then when I say that it is frustrating. It’s also very politically incorrect of me to admit, you are welcome to be upset with my conclusions and tell me that I’m wrong about myself. You’re also going to be super offended by what I say next.

I used to believe that appearance doesn’t matter. I believed that my own attractiveness was irrelevant. This came in handy because it means that whenever I began to worry that I might be ugly, I could just wave the thought away, reassuring myself that appearance doesn’t matter. What mattered was being smart, funny, and good at making your chosen partner happy.

I didn’t even consider my own happiness, believing that you should treat people the way that you want to be treated and assumed therefore that my happiness was the job of my partner. So when your chosen partner doesn’t share these beliefs and assumes their existence should be enough to excite you, sex really does become boring.

The fact that it was boring made me feel like a really shitty shallow person. I stopped beating myself though when she said out loud “It’s not your job to make me happy!” This broke my world view. I thought my only job was to make her happy, and that her job was to make me happy. It was then that I realized that she wasn’t trying to make me happy.

This is apparently something I’m still processing. Perhaps it’s purely due to the contrast between then and now. Not only is my current girlfriend beautiful, funny, smart, and sexy as hell, but she also happens to like making me happy! Even better she does so while also making sure she is happy. Which is good, because I’m not as selfless as I once was.

I’m so grateful for her.

I just looked at the time and I’ve spent almost the entire morning writing this instead of the ghostwriting I’m supposed to be doing. I’m going to get this posted and find some food. Maybe I’ll be lucky and find a box of frozen lasagna in the freezer.

Have a great day 🙂

 

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