The Choice To Live

Last night Facebook was blowing up with posts about the death of Chester Bennington. For those that somehow happen to have no-one in their Facebook feed that listens to Linkin Park, Chester was the singer (not the rapper). He was found dead having committed suicide. If talking about suicide and depression make you uncomfortable, you may not want to keep reading. Consider that your content/trigger warning.

Almost no-one sees it coming when a celebrity, a loved one, or a pet kills themselves. Yes I said pets. When I was a child my pet goldfish, Freddy, jumped out of his bowl. It may have been just coincidence that he landed under the heater, but there’s no way to know. I’m sure my dog Teaser would’ve chosen to end it if she could. She was suffering from leukemia and we didn’t even know until after her second ear-infection surgery was refusing to heal.

My cockatiel D’mingo flew into a mirror while I was on holiday in Edinburgh. This angry little bird never really settled in. I have no idea what the little guy had been through. We looked after him as best we could ever since he showed up on our doorstep. When we went on holiday months later, it may have been longer, and left him with a friend after getting his wings clipped. Who knows what he was thinking when he freaked out and flew into the mirror so fast it killed him. Maybe he thought it was an open window and was just trying to escape, or come back to us. He must have been pretty desperate to be able to do it despite having his flight feathers removed.

Depression sucks. On bad days it physically hurts. Not like a wound or a bruise, but an all over numbing prickle from your scalp to your toes. It’s not just feeling sad. This pain doesn’t make much sense. Especially when I was a teenager. I didn’t really know why I felt that way. I would hurt myself to mask the pain with a physical injury I understood.

Accompanying the pain are the thoughts. All the reasons that life is pointless, the behaviours and personality traits that you’ve judged to be defects. The physical flaws. External reasons too, like the job that leaves you too tired to write, the relationship that fails to satisfy the gaping hole in your chest, or the house that’s slowly falling apart and you can’t afford to fix.

Sometimes exercises like the Tim Ferris’ fear-setting (described in the video below) can help, but it’s a recurring battle. Involving yourself in projects and goals can help keep you going. Keep you occupied and distracted from the dread that comes creeping back. I’ve used several strategies like Tim’s to keep going, and I’m always looking for more Ted Talks and books to help me learn more, and to try and use my own depression to drive me.

We make a choice to keep going, hoping that tomorrow will be better. Most of the time it is. You feel better and get on with life. In my case I try to use these better days to get a little closer to my goals. I know that becoming a ‘successful author’ won’t put me in a blissful state of perpetual happiness, but at least I’ll have achieved something. I’ll still have to fight the thoughts when they come. The absolute certainty that, not only will I not be happy but there’ll be all new challenges to face. All of which will fade to nothing once I’m dead.

I hold on to the hope that it will be worth it, that my actions and decisions will make the lives of others a little better. Prove to friends who are losing the battle with depression and anxiety that it’s possible to make your mark and be someone worth remembering. Even that is a futile exercise. Da Vinci, Shakespeare and Mozart are remembered, but no-one knows who they really were. There’s no-one alive today that remembers the sound of their laughter, or what they liked to eat.

Some of use choose to end it. To stop fighting and let the pain win. I understand the urge. It doesn’t seem to matter what you do, depression is only a few steps behind. Reminding you that, no matter how good things are going right now, your old wounds aren’t healing, and it will only take the slightest bump to set them bleeding again. It’s tempting to blame these wounds on other people, but they’ve always been there. It’s just existence. The solution seems obvious. Stop existing, stop the pain.

Chester’s lyrics helped many of us feel less alone. Like we weren’t alone. Like someone else felt and understood the pain of living. Loneliness is a big trigger for many of us, so we search desperately for people like us that will hear us and understand. Friends, romantic partners, family, fans, or even pets. Your tribe.  The people that are supposed to hold you up when your down. Most of the time, when you think you’ve found them, they have their own problems. You end up having to be the strong one for them, and sometimes they’re too broken to reciprocate, or you feel it would be selfish to even ask them for help.

I don’t have answers. Just more questions, and the one very tempting solution. The one that we tell ourselves is a cowards way out. A selfish act. It’s true that other people will be upset, and even offended, by your death. We’re taught that life is precious, and yet there is life everywhere, continuing despite us. What so special about one person?

Morbid curiosity and responsibility is keeping me going. Everything I experience gives me something to write about. Thought I may find that everything I write ends up being about depression. I’ve already noticed that my stories often feature death and disappointment.

Most of the songs I’ve picked for this article are Linkin Park’s earlier material, but these two here are from their latest album. Despite the change in style the theme Chester is singing about remains consistent, which tells me he was still fighting the depression that had plagued him his entire career. He had a family, he had success and fame, and in the end it didn’t even matter. However, he left a mark on the world before he left. I will to.

I’ll feel better tomorrow. As long as there’s a future there’s hope. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I can make my life better as long as I’m alive. Today it sounds hollow, but tomorrow, who knows? Maybe one day I’ll have had enough for now, I have a series of books to help make. Obligations to fulfil. People to meet and fall in love with. A life to live. It had better be worth it.

Afterword: This is not a cry for help. If anything it’s a battle-cry. A call to arms. An honest confession of how I’m feeling (today) so that others like me don’t feel so alone. I don’t need to talk, I just did. If you need to talk though, go for it, maybe others like us will hear you and feel like they have somewhere they belong.

I’ll miss you Chester, but I heard you, and I understand.

SayberX – The Cybersex Masturbator

This is going to be one of the ‘Secret Stash’ articles that’s never going to be shared on my Facebook profile. I may put it on the ‘Funny Stuff‘ page, and share it in some of the adult humour groups, but the automatic sharing to my AntonyM Copeland Facebook page is deactivated.

If you’re already curious enough to check out the SayberX website without reading further, follow this link and get yourself on the mailing list for updates.

The SayberX hasn’t been released yet, but it promises to be worth the wait. It’s a male sex toy designed to pair with a smartphone app that will allow your partner, or yourself if you prefer, to control the SayberX device remotely. It claims to provide a sensation that feels like real sex, and the app lets you control the tempo, the speed, of the rhythmic motion.

It has built in lubrication, an adaptable lining to fit snugly  around almost any sized penis, and is built to be durable. There’s also a ring available that can also be remotely controlled, allows you control the tempo with hand motions instead.

Personally, I’d like to see a set that includes the female equivalent, so that I can stimulate my partner the same time that they’re stimulating me. Of course if you’re a man who prefers men you could already do this, and get both you and your partner on the list for one each.

The SayberX could also be used for fraternity hazing. Challenge your new pledges to withstand the stimulation as long as possible, the first one to cum loses! If this idea appeals to you to you, click this link! Make sure you get all your frat buddies on the list so you have enough.

Perhaps you run a webcam show, or offer some other method of teasing men for a living. The SayberX to add another layer of delicious torture, and allow you to directly control the level of mastabatory stimulation your client receives. Effectively giving them the best virtual handjob they’ve ever had, and allowing you to get him off from the comfort of your own home. Get on the list!

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As you can see, once you’re signed up you can earn points for additional referrals. Get enough people to sign up and you could end up getting your own SayberX for free! You even get a few extra points just for liking the official Facebook and Twitter pages, but you have to sign up first to start getting points.

If you have no interest yourself, but think this is hilarious, or even know someone who would love this, share this article around so that I can get all the points! Muahaha!

Have a great day! 🙂

Honestly Sorry

Did you ever hear the phrase “better to beg forgiveness than ask permission”? It’s kind of been my philosophy regarding this blog. However, I seem to be upsetting some people. In some cases it’s only taken a little editing, such as the ‘Dating Disasters‘ article. Sometimes the offended party requires more.

There have been two articles now that I’ve had to pull from Facebook. However, these articles are still available here on the blog. Namely ‘Road to Recovery‘ and the article I wrote earlier today, ‘Adopt, Adapt and Improve‘. The first of which may have caused my ex her job. Now our relationship may not have been the best thing for either of us, but I certainly don’t want to be responsible for her getting fired. If she loses her job, it will be her own fault, not mine!

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The latest article offended my cousin, and when I mentioned this to my Mum, she became concerned that other members of the family might also have taken offense. Mum hadn’t read it yet, but I didn’t want her stressing over it. Especially since she’s been supporting me and helping me transition back to life in the UK. The part that really got to my cousin was when I mentioned trying to convince my Grandma to lie for me. I should instead be supporting their independence, and not trying to undermine their decision.

I should have realised that the level of honesty and openness that I’m demanding of myself in order to truly get to know myself might ruffle a few feathers that would rather keep certain things private. Even Dad told me that he might have to start being careful what he says around me. As you can see though, I’m not stopping. Instead my plan is to share only the articles that are inoffensive. Anything that might upset my family, Mum and Dad in particular, will be exclusive to the blog. Starting with this one81257-harry-potter-dont-care-gif-NO-tFUp.gif

In other words, if you want to see every single article I publish, then you need to either visit this blog daily, or enter your email address on the right hand side to follow this blog and get emailed alerts every time a new post goes up! Some will be getting links to this article privately via Facebook Messenger, so they know what’s up. If you’re one of them, well done, I’m not worried about offending you! 🙂

One of the things I liked about my ex-wife was her bluntness. I do need to be careful to keep this side of being deliberately hurtful and saying ‘just being honest’ by way of apology. That’s not honesty, that’s being obnoxious. I don’t like having to be sneaky though. I want to be open with them. Especially since, if I can’t be open with them with everything, I might be tempted to keep bigger things from them.

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I really want to get high, and one of the reasons I don’t try harder to acquire some weed, is because I’m being honest with my family about it and they are able to help me through it. I don’t want to start hiding anything, because I fear it would be a slippery slope. However, they’ve asked me to stop being so honest. So be it.