It’s done. I tried . It’s not her fault that I feel this way. It was hard to break her heart and walk away, but not as hard as I thought it would be. Little things have been bothering me lately. Issues that probably could have been worked through easily if my heart had been in it. Kaye would insist on making coffee for us every time I went over. Don’t get me wrong, her coffee is great, but every damned time? At least offer me the choice!
We also stopped doing anything together. No gardening, no home improvement, not even cleaning out the chicken coop. We just sit on the couch watching N•Vels together. If I decide I want to get and do something, Helen would claim that it was because I didn’t want to spend time with her. That’s unfair. She did that once.
Maybe the reason we always ended up doing what she wanted was because I felt guilty. The pain never stopped, and sometimes it switched from just unbearable sadness to irritation and resentment. We’d be sat together, Kaye and I, cuddling, and the whole time I could feel this anger and bitterness roiling in my chest. It all seemed so hollow. So fake.
I can’t love anymore. It’s all gone. Lost to a woman I will never see again, and never really knew. The weird part is, if Tanisha were to show up again, I don’t think I would run to her with open arms. I think I would yell at her. Get right in her face and scream at her for ruining everything. For breaking me. For taking my heart and leaving me disillusioned and lonelier than I’ve ever felt in my life.
The world we live in now seems like a childish game designed to distract us and keep us from looking to hard at the harsh light of reality. I’d give anything to just to enjoy that life again. Forget it’s all a show, and regain an appreciation for the N•Viron and what it gives us.
Screw it. If I can’t love, and enjoy hunting zombaliens anymore, I’m going to have a real adventure and do things I’ve never had the guts to do. Waiting to feel better is stupid and clearly isn’t helping. No more getting in my own way. I’m going for it. Hermes, here I come!