Tanisha’s gone. She just sort of announced she was leaving and started packing. I can barely believe how broken up I am about it. I knew she’d eventually have to go home to her family, I’d just never thought that it would hit me like this. I mean, we both knew we didn’t have long. Her brothers need her. She doesn’t trust her parents to take care of things while she’s gone.
I hope she doesn’t do anything stupid. The death of her aunt Gemma hit her pretty hard. Is it wrong that, as upset as I am, I’m also furious with her? With all the time, emotional effort, personal pain and Arpies I put into this relationship, the least she can do is stick around and let me help her, let me love her, and let me fix her? I like fixing things. It’s an easy way to earn Arpies from people too lazy to look up how to do it themselves.
Anyway, I came home one day from a repair gig and she had a knife. It was a regular ceramic kitchen knife, and she was just staring at it. Not crying. Cold-eyed. Thinking. She had no idea I’d be coming home then, so I know she wasn’t just putting on a show for me. She’d really been thinking about cutting herself. We seemed to get through that, but there was a melancholy about her that wouldn’t go away. It might have always been there, but I wish I could have made it all better. Maybe if I’d had more time. Maybe if I’d tried harder. Shown her her I loved her better, made her really believe she could be happy, that she didn’t have to be doomed to a miserable life. I wish she’d have let me buy her an N•Viron system.
She’d been staying at my place almost every night, especially since the knife incident. I wanted to keep an eye on her. I couldn’t watch all the time, of course, I still needed to earn some Arpies. Maybe I should have stayed home more, taken a boring in-house job sorting data, or participating in politics or jury gigs. Maybe I smothered her and I needed to have given her more space. Maybe that’s the real reason she left. I loved her too much, and she couldn’t handle it because she’d never been treated well before. I honestly do think that may have been part of our problem. Her entire life, from childhood right up until she met me, she’d been ignored, mistreated and abused. To her, it was a sign of affection to call me demeaning nicknames and push me to be better without any acknowledgement or praise of any positive action, because that’s the way she had always been treated.
I feel like something is missing without her. I don’t understand. I’m relieved because I no longer have to put up with her constant need for positive reinforcement and yet being utterly ungrateful for it. Yet I loved her, I would have done anything for her. Tanisha had said she loved me too, in fact, she had been the one to say it first. She thought I was sleeping and I surprised her when I said it back. We knew though that it couldn’t last. Now, I feel like I have a hole in my chest. I’ve been crying for days.
She sent me a message to let me know she got there safely. She feels the same way, that there’s something missing without me. That just made it worse. I know she can’t come back. She’s can’t handle it, and she can’t ever really be with me. If she ever did connect properly, with an N•Viron instead one of her dodgy old handhelds, they’ll catch her. I’m still not sure what she’s actually done wrong, but if she is actually guilty of anything, there’d be an arrest gig available in no time. They’ll find out who she really was and then go after her family next.
Personally, I think the worst she’d get is some community service or a fine. Tanisha says she knows too much, and that she’s dangerous. She thinks they’ll either recruit her to use her or stick her in a reclaimer. Then they’ll come after everyone who knew her next. Her whole family, neighbours, friends, including any of my friends that met her and, of course, me.
Maybe she thinks she’s trying to protect me. I wish I believed that. I wish this was her way of showing how much she truly loved me, that she was willing to go back to the wretched life of a Discon, instead of being happy with me. It’s a fairytale. If I’m being honest with myself, I think the real truth is that she’s emotionally unstable, paranoid and intensely selfish. I’m much better off without her, free to live my life any way I chose without having to hide her and protect her, and yet my heart feels lacerated. And frozen solid.
I can’t write any more of this. It hurts too much.