Writing or dating?

I’m currently faced with a slight dilemma. I already know what the answer has to be, but nevertheless the decision is a tough one. For those who have read some of my older posts on the same theme, you may be sick of me bringing this up again. To be honest I wish I didn’t feel this way too. I’d much rather be just be able to concentrate on writing without having to torture myself with the idea of having a girlfriend.

I thought maybe I could get it out of my system. Chat to a few pretty girls, make a connection, perhaps even arrange a date. Then I could focus again. I’m beginning to think that will not be the case. I’ve updated my OkCupid account, started a MeetMe account, and I’m debating with myself over starting a Plenty Of Fish account also.

The first couple of days were soul crushing as I attempted to make contact with several girls, and got nothing back. Yesterday I got someone interested in chatting with me, but she’s literally miles away. Since neither of us have a car or a paying job right now, I’m not going to meet her anytime soon.

This recent surge of desire for female contact was inspired, in part by a couple of my former (who am I kidding?) crushes from the states getting back in touch with me. They are both wonderful women. Kind and beautiful, and hundreds of fucking miles away! When you find yourself craving the touch, the scent, the up close sight of a woman’s skin, a facebook message isn’t going to cut it!

To make matters worse, the house in Kidwelly still doesn’t have WiFi! We’re getting by with an unlimited mobile data plan from Three, and my phone’s hotspot turned on. However, it has an automatic parental lock. You can turn it off if you have a UK credit card, which I don’t, or you call them. I could just call them I suppose, but that requires me actually saying “Hey, could you let access adult websites please?” to a person, with my voice.

To be fair, online nudity isn’t helping much either. It’s treating some of the symptoms, but not curing the affliction. Quick side note. Yes it’s very weird that I can talk about looking at naked women online when I’m writing without it bothering me at all, but confessing the same thing via phone feels awkward and uncomfortable. Though, I don’t actually like talking on the phone at all if I can help it.

Another tangent. Why do phone calls sound like you’re on a phone? Microphones and speakers are capable of reproducing the human voice perfectly. Modern computers can store that information and transit the data with absolutely no loss of quality. So why do phone calls sound tinny and muffled instead? I honestly don’t get it.

Anyway. The reason why I’m writing about my struggles with my baser human instincts is because it’s all I can bloody well think about! I’d love to write a bit more of Hermes925, or write about the animated re-release of the lost Doctor Who episode “The Power of the Daleks”, but I can’t seem to focus on anything but the chase.

I have to get over it. I’m not going to find what I’m looking for, not without putting a lot more effort into it. What if I’m successful? If I find a girl that likes the same things I do, provides me with the outlet I’m seeking, actually makes me feel happy to be with and fills my thoughts with her smile and her perfume. When would I find the time to write?

I would certainly need to get a day job to help me pay for the dates and gifts and other romantic paraphernalia, and, if things go well, to help pay rent. Then I’d also have to do my fair share of the housework, spending time with her just cuddling and watching TV, making time for dating and intimacy, and sleep. The amount of time I’d have available for writing would diminish to almost nothing.

I have to stop this madness! Trying to be with someone would be pointless anyway. I can’t produce children, so my only legacy to this world after I’m gone will be my words. I know some people are content to leave nothing behind, leave no mark. But I  need to do something that clearly states “I was here! My life counted for something!” If I don’t, then what would be the point of being here at all?

So this is me, once more, trying to stick to the plan. Write everyday, don’t bother with the drama and heartache that inevitably accompanies relationships. Just get over it. Perhaps when I have at least one book published and a somewhat steady income, then I can split my attention. By then I’ll have more to offer anyway.

Hermes925 needs to get written!

Please add your comments, to tell me I’m being daft or support my decision. Either way feedback is welcome.

One more thing, if you’re even considering dating me, you should probably read this first!

Have a great day! 🙂

 

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Love is not forever?

This is a core concept I’ve been struggling with. I was taught that when you find love, you stay with that person forever. I have failed at this. I tried to convince myself that I was simply mistaken. That it wasn’t love in the first place. Thanks to a friend, an ex actually, who pointed out that I do still love the last woman I was dating, I started to really think about this. (By the way I love you too! You know who you are.) I’m coming to terms with the idea that it can be possible to have disliked several things about someone and still have actually, truly, loved them.

Fittingly this song came on the radio as I drove home (my 2000 vw bug doesn’t even have a  working CD player).

If it’s true that it’s possible to have loved someone, and still not really like them, then you can’t really expect to be with them forever, can you? It follows then that Love doesn’t have to last forever, or even more than one night. That’s a polar extreme though. If you want to be with someone, and you end up together for years, that’s awesome. It works even better if you know you don’t have to. Being together by choice, until you’re ready to move on, whenever that may be, has a certain beauty to it.

There’s a line in the animated Batman movie, Mask of the Phantasm, where the Joker quips “You can’t help who you fall in love with”. This may be true, but just because you love someone, doesn’t mean that they’ll will be the only one, or that they should be.

Joker

So I’m going to relax a bit. In my previous post that touched on the subject of relationships, I was worried that getting involved with anyone right now would be a bad idea, because I don’t have time for a relationship. I was certain that I would fall in love again, whether I wanted too or not. The fantasy about one true love forever would kick in and I’d run, scared of the heartbreak that a relationship always brings. I presumed that falling in love would lead to a relationship, and that relationship would have to last forever, or it wouldn’t be love. It’s nonsense, and I’m done letting the paradoxical failure machine I’ve built continue to hurt and confuse me.

I’m going to ask that girl out, and see what happens. It may take a little while. I want to get to know her a little first. Ease into it slowly and test this new theory. Besides, you have to gain experience to level up.