Weirdness

Instead of writing I’m watching Mr Robot. It got me thinking about something that has popped into my head before. We all have shit that we think makes us weird, makes us different, and we try to hide it to fit in.

The number of people I know now who have had terrible childhoods due to alcoholic, mentally ill or absent parents, and think that this is weird. I hear it so often I think that it’s probably a lot more normal than we’re taught to believe.

My own family is loving and supportive, and still together despite every obstacle and hardship they’ve faced. I admire them greatly, partly because it seems so rare. At least among the people I know. Despite the fact that a Mum and Dad working together to raise and support their children is supposed to be normal. In reality it seems to be odd, unusual, weird.

I like being weird. I used to worry that I had no right to be weird because I didn’t have a messed up childhood. So I tried to be normal. Go to college, fall in love, get married, get a career, a house, a car, have kids, make friends with other couples and climb the corporate ladder.

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Me being all domestic

It was all wrong though, fake, dishonest. If we’d had children though I would have kept it up indefinitely. Worked jobs I hated just to make sure they had a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and a loving mother and father to look out for them.

I can’t have children though. I’m infertile. To be fair so was she. After we found that out it got harder to understand what it was all for. Humans are supposed to reproduce. Even though I reasoned that at least we weren’t condemning a new life to our particular combination of genetics, I still felt like I’d failed as a husband and a human being.

It still took a few years for the marriage to crumble into dust. During which I still tried to hold up the structure of a perfect life, with one pillar missing. The remaining pillars, and the two of us, cracking under the strain.

She found someone else shortly after we broke up. I have no idea if they’re still together, nor do I want to know. I’m not that person I was trying to be. I’ve embraced my weirdness. No more pretending. Though I admit I’ve toned it down a little for work.

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Me now

I have no idea how my new coworkers would react to my black nails and eyeliner. The fact I like to eat raw bacon as a snack doesn’t need to come up. I loathe sports, but I love fantasy and sci-fi games.

I worry that I have little in common with people. I want to be able to relate to the customers and coworkers. I’m repelled by the thought of having to pretend I’m someone I’m not, but I like this job. I don’t want to lose it because I have no idea which football teams are playing, or because someone thinks I’m too weird.

I know I’m being over anxious. I got a food order wrong today, something I found out on day one I could get in big trouble for. The problem was resolved before it became an issue, but I can’t afford to make any mistakes.

Firing a perfect employee because he’s weird is prejudice. Firing the weird employee because he makes expensive mistakes is justified. If I was in their shoes, I’d be waiting for me to make another mistake. It’s not like I’d be hard to replace. Two more people handed in job applications today. Who knows how many more applied via email.

I feel a little better for expressing this. It’s overdramatic, but emotions often are. I don’t really expect to lose my job anytime soon, no more than I do in any job. There’s always a chance that the people you’re relying on will betray you, but that’s life.

Have a great day

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Honestly Sorry

Did you ever hear the phrase “better to beg forgiveness than ask permission”? It’s kind of been my philosophy regarding this blog. However, I seem to be upsetting some people. In some cases it’s only taken a little editing, such as the ‘Dating Disasters‘ article. Sometimes the offended party requires more.

There have been two articles now that I’ve had to pull from Facebook. However, these articles are still available here on the blog. Namely ‘Road to Recovery‘ and the article I wrote earlier today, ‘Adopt, Adapt and Improve‘. The first of which may have caused my ex her job. Now our relationship may not have been the best thing for either of us, but I certainly don’t want to be responsible for her getting fired. If she loses her job, it will be her own fault, not mine!

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The latest article offended my cousin, and when I mentioned this to my Mum, she became concerned that other members of the family might also have taken offense. Mum hadn’t read it yet, but I didn’t want her stressing over it. Especially since she’s been supporting me and helping me transition back to life in the UK. The part that really got to my cousin was when I mentioned trying to convince my Grandma to lie for me. I should instead be supporting their independence, and not trying to undermine their decision.

I should have realised that the level of honesty and openness that I’m demanding of myself in order to truly get to know myself might ruffle a few feathers that would rather keep certain things private. Even Dad told me that he might have to start being careful what he says around me. As you can see though, I’m not stopping. Instead my plan is to share only the articles that are inoffensive. Anything that might upset my family, Mum and Dad in particular, will be exclusive to the blog. Starting with this one81257-harry-potter-dont-care-gif-NO-tFUp.gif

In other words, if you want to see every single article I publish, then you need to either visit this blog daily, or enter your email address on the right hand side to follow this blog and get emailed alerts every time a new post goes up! Some will be getting links to this article privately via Facebook Messenger, so they know what’s up. If you’re one of them, well done, I’m not worried about offending you! 🙂

One of the things I liked about my ex-wife was her bluntness. I do need to be careful to keep this side of being deliberately hurtful and saying ‘just being honest’ by way of apology. That’s not honesty, that’s being obnoxious. I don’t like having to be sneaky though. I want to be open with them. Especially since, if I can’t be open with them with everything, I might be tempted to keep bigger things from them.

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I really want to get high, and one of the reasons I don’t try harder to acquire some weed, is because I’m being honest with my family about it and they are able to help me through it. I don’t want to start hiding anything, because I fear it would be a slippery slope. However, they’ve asked me to stop being so honest. So be it.